"Stephanie, you need to get down to the hospital right now. She's not going to last much longer." I begin to panic. The blood is racing through my veins and it feels like razors flowing through me. "She's not going to last much longer". I can't wrap my head around that. The pilar of strength... my Hero... my Love. I pick up the phone and I call my best friend, "Alicia? They said she's not gonna last much longer so I'm headed over to the hospital. Come when you get off of work." She says, "No, I'm leaving now. I'm coming to get you. Just stay where you are." See, being my best friend, she knew that I wasn't o.k. That even though I'm one of the strongest people there is, if anything was going to break me, this surely would.
We walk into the hospital and I get to her room and she's... she's having trouble breathing. She's hooked up to all of these machines and my Uncle is sitting next to her looking like a shell of the man he used to be. I go over to her and I kiss her. She can't talk. Her breathing, labored. I grab her hand and look into her eyes so she knows I'm connected to her. I begin to talk... to say all of the things that I want her to know before she leaves me.
"Grandma, I love you. Thank for everything that you've done for me. Thank you for being the only person who loved me from the time she knew about me until the time she closed her eyes. Thank you for loving me, even when I didn't know how to love myself. And thank you for teaching me the value of a promise. You remember our little saying about promises, right? A promise is a promise, remember? So I promise you that I will take care of your family the way you did. I promise you that I will finish losing this weight that I put on. And I promise you that I will go back to school and graduate. And a promise is a promise, right?"
I know it... I can feel her. She needs me to tell her that it's okay to go. Everything inside of me is screaming, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!", but I know that's selfish. She needs me to let her go. She's hanging on for us. "Grandma, I love you. But it's okay to go now. We'll be okay. It's time for you to go be with God and be healed and whole. You hear me? It's okay to go." With that said, I explain to her that I'm going to go check in with my Mom to let her know that I'm here and then I'll be right back. I kiss her. I smile. I walk out of the room and soon as I know she can't see me anymore, my legs buckle and I hit the floor. An unusual display of "weakness" for me.
I go check in with my Mom and I collapse in her arms. My Mom and my Grandma raised me. What am I going to do without my other Mom? And then it hits me... this is HER Mommie. I pull it together for her and for my Grandma. We sit and wait... and wait... and wait. She's in a coma now. I was the last person to talk to her. I was the last face she saw. She's alive but only because of the medicine dripping into her IV. My Mom asks me to go with her to sit with my Grandma and of course I do. She's on one side of the bed and I'm on the other. My Mom starts to talk. "Ma. I love you. Thank you for raising me and for sacrificing your life for mine. Thank you for always protecting me. Thank you for letting me sing and play the drums and do all of my drama projects. Thank you for being at every show. Thank you for helping me raise my daughter. Thank you for allowing me and my dauther to be the two people who took care of you after your heartattacks and the stroke. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for making me laugh. And Ma? I know that when you get up to Heaven, you're going to meet Stephanie's babies. Tell them that we can't wait to see them. And take care of them for me until God allows them to come to us. Okay?"
I am floored, that in the moment my Mother is saying good-bye to her Mother, she would think to include my unborn children. The one's the doctors tell me I'll never have. She believes that they are up there waiting for my Grandma to come and make them some Menudo. LOL.
I go outside to make flight arrangements for my Aunt. My Mom's Cousin comes running out of the hospital. "Steph, come quick! She's going!". My heart is in my throat and I can't move. I finally pull it together and go running through the halls of the hospital trying to get to her before she leaves me. Please God, let me get there in time. All of a sudden, it seems like I can't run fast enough. The hallways are getting longer and longer, like I'll never get there.
I arrive to her room and she is surrounded by her children, her grand-children, her great-grand children, her best friend and all of her kids, and my best friend. Everyone is touching her somewhere. My Mom looks at me and says, "Bayba, I want you to pray your Grandma to Heaven." I get sick to my stomach. "Mom, I can't do that!", as I shake my head hysterically. She says, "Bayba! You CAN! Pray her home." So I touch my Grandma's leg and I begin to pray. And you can feel the Spirit of God in the room. "Lord, thank you for blessing all of us with such an incredible woman. Thank you for the gift that you've given us in her. But now, it's time for you to take her home with You. Please surround her with Your love and peace. Take her with You and make her whole again. Heal her body. Heal her spirit. Heal her mind. Grandma, it's okay to go now. We're all here and it's okay to go. In Jesus name I pray and give thanks. Amen."
Beep .... Beep.... Beep.... I get on my knees and I bury my face into her leg. I close my eyes and visions of me as a little girl with my head in her lap and her stroking my hair begin to play in my mind. I start wishing she'd stroke my hair right now. It always comforted me. PLEASE Grandma! Beep ... Beep ... Beep. What am I going to do without her? She's my rock... the only person who ever loved me from beginning to end. The love of my life. The one I always wanted to make so proud of me. Beep ... Beep... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. The nurse comes in and says, "She's gone."
Everyone starts to cry. My Aunt, the person who treated her like crap her whole life, the person who called her a bitch and hung up in her face all the time, the person who used my Grandmother up till there was almost nothing left, she begins to scream, "Are you serious?!? NOOOO!". I am numb. I don't want anyone to touch me. I feel differently all of a sudden. Something has changed inside of me. I look at my Mom and she says, "Grandma passed through me as she left. I felt her go. And it's gonna be okay, Bayba. It's gonna be okay."
I immediately go into soldier mode. I have the entire funeral is planned out down to the music that will be played within 3 hours of her death. My best friend and her family are handling the obituary for the funeral and all I need to do is meet my Mom back at her house to pick out pictures. I get there and we're both laughing as we go through the pictures. And all of a sudden it hits her and she says, "My Mother died today." "Yes, Mom, she did." "My Mom died today..." and she keeps saying it hysterically over and over, her soul destroyed and mine dying a little bit everytime I hear her say those words, "My Mom died today." I put her to bed with a cold wash cloth over her head and as she sleeps, I remember everything about that beautiful woman I called Grandma. And I pray for the strength to get through this and be the strong woman that they raised me to be. Give me strength, Lord.
At the funeral I give the eulogy. I decide to read poems because I'm not sure I can make it through a whole speech. It's bad enough she wanted me to sing at her wake and I barely got through that. I want to be strong for everyone... especially her. As I begin to speak and to read the poems, I see my Mom stand up. To show me her strength... to give me her strength to make it through this moment. This moment that I will never forget. As I walk back to my seat, I pass her casket. Her casket? I kneel down and wrap my arms around it and I kiss it. "Good-bye, Grandma. I love you." We make it over to the burial site and the guy tells me that he's not going to lower the casket until we all leave at the request of the person in charge. I say, "I am the person in charge and I'm not leaving until you've lowered her into the ground."
I stand there and watch my family throw flowers into a hole which will soon be filled with her... They begin to lower her into the ground and everything inside of me wants to jump in there with her because I don't want to be part of a world that doesn't include her in it. But I stand firm and still until she's out of sight. I throw dirt onto her casket signifying that I've let her go. But I haven't and I never will. A part of me died and was buried with her that day. I will never be the same...
They say that time makes it easier. Seven years after her death, I now know that is not true. It never gets easier. The pain that you feel just because a part of who you are and by God's grace, you live. Grandma, every day that I breathe, I will honor your memory. I love you and I miss you more than words can say. Rest in peace, my Love...
We walk into the hospital and I get to her room and she's... she's having trouble breathing. She's hooked up to all of these machines and my Uncle is sitting next to her looking like a shell of the man he used to be. I go over to her and I kiss her. She can't talk. Her breathing, labored. I grab her hand and look into her eyes so she knows I'm connected to her. I begin to talk... to say all of the things that I want her to know before she leaves me.
"Grandma, I love you. Thank for everything that you've done for me. Thank you for being the only person who loved me from the time she knew about me until the time she closed her eyes. Thank you for loving me, even when I didn't know how to love myself. And thank you for teaching me the value of a promise. You remember our little saying about promises, right? A promise is a promise, remember? So I promise you that I will take care of your family the way you did. I promise you that I will finish losing this weight that I put on. And I promise you that I will go back to school and graduate. And a promise is a promise, right?"
I know it... I can feel her. She needs me to tell her that it's okay to go. Everything inside of me is screaming, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!", but I know that's selfish. She needs me to let her go. She's hanging on for us. "Grandma, I love you. But it's okay to go now. We'll be okay. It's time for you to go be with God and be healed and whole. You hear me? It's okay to go." With that said, I explain to her that I'm going to go check in with my Mom to let her know that I'm here and then I'll be right back. I kiss her. I smile. I walk out of the room and soon as I know she can't see me anymore, my legs buckle and I hit the floor. An unusual display of "weakness" for me.
I go check in with my Mom and I collapse in her arms. My Mom and my Grandma raised me. What am I going to do without my other Mom? And then it hits me... this is HER Mommie. I pull it together for her and for my Grandma. We sit and wait... and wait... and wait. She's in a coma now. I was the last person to talk to her. I was the last face she saw. She's alive but only because of the medicine dripping into her IV. My Mom asks me to go with her to sit with my Grandma and of course I do. She's on one side of the bed and I'm on the other. My Mom starts to talk. "Ma. I love you. Thank you for raising me and for sacrificing your life for mine. Thank you for always protecting me. Thank you for letting me sing and play the drums and do all of my drama projects. Thank you for being at every show. Thank you for helping me raise my daughter. Thank you for allowing me and my dauther to be the two people who took care of you after your heartattacks and the stroke. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for making me laugh. And Ma? I know that when you get up to Heaven, you're going to meet Stephanie's babies. Tell them that we can't wait to see them. And take care of them for me until God allows them to come to us. Okay?"
I am floored, that in the moment my Mother is saying good-bye to her Mother, she would think to include my unborn children. The one's the doctors tell me I'll never have. She believes that they are up there waiting for my Grandma to come and make them some Menudo. LOL.
I go outside to make flight arrangements for my Aunt. My Mom's Cousin comes running out of the hospital. "Steph, come quick! She's going!". My heart is in my throat and I can't move. I finally pull it together and go running through the halls of the hospital trying to get to her before she leaves me. Please God, let me get there in time. All of a sudden, it seems like I can't run fast enough. The hallways are getting longer and longer, like I'll never get there.
I arrive to her room and she is surrounded by her children, her grand-children, her great-grand children, her best friend and all of her kids, and my best friend. Everyone is touching her somewhere. My Mom looks at me and says, "Bayba, I want you to pray your Grandma to Heaven." I get sick to my stomach. "Mom, I can't do that!", as I shake my head hysterically. She says, "Bayba! You CAN! Pray her home." So I touch my Grandma's leg and I begin to pray. And you can feel the Spirit of God in the room. "Lord, thank you for blessing all of us with such an incredible woman. Thank you for the gift that you've given us in her. But now, it's time for you to take her home with You. Please surround her with Your love and peace. Take her with You and make her whole again. Heal her body. Heal her spirit. Heal her mind. Grandma, it's okay to go now. We're all here and it's okay to go. In Jesus name I pray and give thanks. Amen."
Beep .... Beep.... Beep.... I get on my knees and I bury my face into her leg. I close my eyes and visions of me as a little girl with my head in her lap and her stroking my hair begin to play in my mind. I start wishing she'd stroke my hair right now. It always comforted me. PLEASE Grandma! Beep ... Beep ... Beep. What am I going to do without her? She's my rock... the only person who ever loved me from beginning to end. The love of my life. The one I always wanted to make so proud of me. Beep ... Beep... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. The nurse comes in and says, "She's gone."
Everyone starts to cry. My Aunt, the person who treated her like crap her whole life, the person who called her a bitch and hung up in her face all the time, the person who used my Grandmother up till there was almost nothing left, she begins to scream, "Are you serious?!? NOOOO!". I am numb. I don't want anyone to touch me. I feel differently all of a sudden. Something has changed inside of me. I look at my Mom and she says, "Grandma passed through me as she left. I felt her go. And it's gonna be okay, Bayba. It's gonna be okay."
I immediately go into soldier mode. I have the entire funeral is planned out down to the music that will be played within 3 hours of her death. My best friend and her family are handling the obituary for the funeral and all I need to do is meet my Mom back at her house to pick out pictures. I get there and we're both laughing as we go through the pictures. And all of a sudden it hits her and she says, "My Mother died today." "Yes, Mom, she did." "My Mom died today..." and she keeps saying it hysterically over and over, her soul destroyed and mine dying a little bit everytime I hear her say those words, "My Mom died today." I put her to bed with a cold wash cloth over her head and as she sleeps, I remember everything about that beautiful woman I called Grandma. And I pray for the strength to get through this and be the strong woman that they raised me to be. Give me strength, Lord.
At the funeral I give the eulogy. I decide to read poems because I'm not sure I can make it through a whole speech. It's bad enough she wanted me to sing at her wake and I barely got through that. I want to be strong for everyone... especially her. As I begin to speak and to read the poems, I see my Mom stand up. To show me her strength... to give me her strength to make it through this moment. This moment that I will never forget. As I walk back to my seat, I pass her casket. Her casket? I kneel down and wrap my arms around it and I kiss it. "Good-bye, Grandma. I love you." We make it over to the burial site and the guy tells me that he's not going to lower the casket until we all leave at the request of the person in charge. I say, "I am the person in charge and I'm not leaving until you've lowered her into the ground."
I stand there and watch my family throw flowers into a hole which will soon be filled with her... They begin to lower her into the ground and everything inside of me wants to jump in there with her because I don't want to be part of a world that doesn't include her in it. But I stand firm and still until she's out of sight. I throw dirt onto her casket signifying that I've let her go. But I haven't and I never will. A part of me died and was buried with her that day. I will never be the same...
They say that time makes it easier. Seven years after her death, I now know that is not true. It never gets easier. The pain that you feel just because a part of who you are and by God's grace, you live. Grandma, every day that I breathe, I will honor your memory. I love you and I miss you more than words can say. Rest in peace, my Love...
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